To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door at say nose height...

Dear Dog,

The dishes on the floor with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food, or licking it, does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR. Beating me to the bottom is
not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I will fall faster than you
can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep in the middle of the bed stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking your tail and legs straight out and having your tongue hanging out to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years, canine supervision is not required.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt or lick yourself. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pet, I have posted the following message on our front door:

To all non-pet owners who visit & like to complain about my pet:

1. JJ lives here. You don't.
2. If you don't want his hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like JJ a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, he's an animal. To me, he is an adopted son who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.

Remember: In many ways, dogs are better than kids because they:

1. Eat less
2. Don't ask for money all the time
3. Are easier to train
4. Normally come when called
5. Never ask to drive the car
6. Don't hang out with drug-using friends
7. Don't smoke or drink
8. Don't have to buy the latest fashions
9. Don't want to wear your clothes
10. Don't need a "gazillion" dollars for college
11. Don't mind if you sell their children