Bears and Doggers

This is another section from my favorite author Jasper Fforde. Loyal readers, with moderately good recall will remember him as the author featured in my "Old Mother Hubbard" post from earlier...

Anyways here he talks about bears and the things they are addicted to according to myth, legend, fiction and his favorite subject; nursery crimes.

Enjoy!

The Gaffer

Porridge

Slang: Flake.

This mild, euphoria-inducing snack has been designated a 'class III' foodstuff by the Ursine Food and Drink Administration. Buying and selling oats with intent to porridge is an offence unless it is your own quota. Ration books are available at the ILU office at the Bob Southey and are restricted to 500g a week, irrespective of age, sex, or hierarchical ranking. The NCD generally overlook minor porridge infringements, but continued use (or dealing) will result in a hefty fine, loss of porridge privileges, or for the most persistent offenders, removal of whiskers.

Porridge Paraphernalia

By a quirk of the law, uncooked rolled oats are not illegal to own, nor is porridge 'Paraphernalia' such as wooden spoons, bowls, milk and brown sugar. Although this is true, it is not worth your while flaunting bowls or wooden spoons in public as it might make you a 'target' for a possible raid.

Honey
Slang: Buzz, Sweet.

This is a contentious subject as bears have been eating honey for centuries. Nevertheless, medical evidence does tend to support the notion that dominant males can get dangerously aggressive while high on honey, especially in the mating season. For that reason, honey is a class II restricted foodstuff - severely rationed off-season and only available for medicinal purposes and out of bounds to anyone else. We've all seen the sad 'sweeters ' or 'buzzboys' whose lives and careers were ruined by too much honey, so play it safe and lay off.

Marmalade

Slang: Shred, Chunk or Peel.

Three words of advice: DON'T DO MARMALADE.

The serious pyschtropic effects of this particular foodstuff cannot be understated. Bears can undertake all sorts of aberrant behaviour while on a 'chunk trip' and with potentially harmful effects not only for the individual concerned but to our continued relationship with our human hosts, who might not like what they see when one of our number gets out of his or her head on a jar or two of Wilkin and Sons 'Old Times'.



Buns

If you want to play it safe in the bun department, you might like to either pick up a 'Buns and You' leaflet from the Bob Southey health centre, or attend one of our monthly forums where bun experts will go through the identification procedures in order that you are fully aware of what you are eating. Remember: a few hundreds and thousands can make the difference between a fine and freedom, so be smart.



Check out more on Nursery Crimes by Jasper Fforde